The Worst Place on the Internet to Spend Your Precious Time -- Since 2001!
05/09/08
Just a quick note that I have officially made a section for my static, garishly colored comics. You can find them here:
The Amazing Comics Purgatory of Michael HouserFrom now on I'll post new comics THERE, and let you know about them HERE. It's a foolproof system, I think. It'll certainly be put to the test.
That was a thinly veiled insult, by the way.
05/08/08
Good God, another comic. OK, now I really have to make a comics page, before everything gets way out of hand.
In other news, the site was down recently for a few days, because I'm dumb. Also, the Masons are after me. Or maybe the Mormons. Something with an 'M'. Mongolians?
I hope you are all well, and please feel free to bitch about these cartoons, or anything else, on my message board. I like the sweet misspellings of your disdain.
04/26/08
Here is the latest comic! Almost enough to make my comics page. I swear people, I am dedicated to this. This is the final key to my personal enslavement, to make comics between the cartoons. Yes. Now I need never think about anything else again. Oh, glorious monk's life of sick humor, like a Gregorian Farter. Or something ...
Also, a correction from the last post: David Firth has in fact posted a new cartoon. He obviously saw my provocative sally and was moved into 'cranking' something out real quick like. That is the level of my influence. Gurewitch is still in retirement, though, probably because I bought his book and he knows I'm his bitch. Damn.
04/18/08
Hello, friends. Matzerath here with another piddling update -- and a comic! I want to make more shitty comics, mind you, so pretty soon I'll have the code up for basic comic-flipping, like all the cooooooool sites have. Because I just want to be coooooool, you know. I want to hang out with the cooooool kids, in their tight little clusters of aloofness, like a roman phalanx armed with disdain and false-entitlement. Oh yes!
And be happy I at least update occasionally. Fucking David Firth hasn't updated since the beginning of the year, not even to say hi. Fucking Perry Bible Fellowship is retired or something, Gurewitch kicking back and raking in the riches from his book, eating Fritos and playing Halo or something. Bastards, all of them.
Be assured, my minions, that as I have never experienced the sweet oral intercourse of fame, or have even been accused of being 'hip', I will never leave you. I am incapable of getting too big for my britches, as I can't afford to buy food. My britches, clown-like, are always falling down around my ankles. Very embarrassing.
Anyway: More shit soon!
03/07/08
It's almost time to become zombies. And I don't mean on Goddamn Facebook, I mean for really reals.
Yes, a new article! It's like I'm adding shit to the site or something, isn't it? Crazy.
02/23/08
Is there anything sexier than theoretical physics?
No, don't answer. sh.
Dimensions. Perhaps kazillions of dimensions. A boon not only to comic books, but to all mediums and genres. And how about that String Theory? Bafillions of sub-atomic strings linking everything. Even if String Theory gets disproved, it'll still be like those beads people put in their butts, suddenly YANKED away.
Theoretical physics. Dirty. Naughty. Risquey. Vaseliney.
Soon we shall explore the wonders of myriad universes bumping and grinding together. Just as soon as I animate it.
Wait ... just ... a little ... longer ...
02/15/08
She wanders among us, vast and foreboding. She wants to shake our hands, but we fear the sensation would be like a sentient bean-bag engulfing our limbs. She wants to shed tears for us, to reveal her soft side; but the tears are enormous and speed the rising of the oceans, drowning poor islanders and rich assholes. She wants us to know she has a plan, but that's what frightens us the worst. She claims to represent womanhood, but there's something else that seethes inside her. Chelsea saw it when she was in the womb, and she practically sprinted down the birth canal to escape. Hillary wishes she could make super-delegates from clay and her husband's semen, but Bill's spunk only makes waves. Tsunamis. Icky stains.
Hillary comes into my room late at night wanting to eat my vitals. But I carry a photo of Marylin Monroe to ward her off.
The accompanying incantation? You shout, 'Your husband shot way lower than THAT.
02/14/08
This holiday sucks my asshole.
If you too are so affected, all I can offer at this time are some free independent video games that I've enjoyed of late, which you can play whilst guzzling beer and/or whiskey and plummeting into the Hell of your own urine-smelling loneliness:
Now I go to weep. Wah.
02/12/08
I tell ya, folks, I am FASCINATED by the political process, pathologically fascinated. Oh God it hurts so bad, a subdermal burning, feeding off my copious fatty-tissue, like a fire in a rendering plant. Oh, oh Lord.
I think ... I think I'm turning into a Super-Delegate.
02/04/08
Well, there's some kind of voting extravaganza going on tomorrow, I hear. Everyone in California has to vote! Mandatory! Otherwise we get our citizenship revoked and get sent back to Mexico. Which might be kind of nice, because I can't afford my rent here anyway.
I can imagine that some of you voters with the option not to do so don't feel really compelled to visit your local church/motel/old folk's home/veteran's hall and rub your privates all up on some Diebold machine that is mechanically laughing at you, just for the privilege of choosing the ringmaster for whatever horrors await us in the coming years. I certainly understand. The only carrot I can dangle, really, is a realization I had when digging a newspaper out of the trash this morning:
Earl Butz is dead.
Flags lowered to honor Butz, giggle snorkAnd who is he? Why, he was the Secretary of Agriculture in the 1970's who said that all black people need to be happy is, and I quote, 'Tight pussy, loose shoes, and a warm place to shit.' Wasn't he clever?
Anyway, he's rotting in the grave now, and I have the feeling that Super Tuesday is what killed him. I think the choices we have for our upcoming president are, if anything, bigot killers. Even McCain. When the results start getting tallied tomorrow, innumerable apoplectic racist old assholes are gonna clutch their numb left arms and drop dead. Ha ha, I say to that.
So remember kids! Vote early and vote often! Thank you!
01/28/08
What? You don't think I'm working on something? Well, what the Hell, person? Here's some tidbits, some tidbits of truth, to prove that I've been drawing ... something:
Can you tell where this is going? No? So either I'm a shitty caricaturist or am referencing things so old no one cares anymore. Either way, I am happy. Oh, so happy!
01/13/08
In my never-ending search for Reaper related articles on the internet, I recently discovered this:
Death Takes a HolidayIf whoever the hell YOU people are find anything yourselves, please to send it to me! Mail link at bottom of screen!
01/11/08
I would like to mention that, in proof of how unbelievably 'hep' and 'with it' this site is, recently it was revealed to me that there is a Facebook group dedicated to the Floating Island of Mandango, called, naturally enough, 'The Cult of the Floating Island of Mandango'. It was started by the lovely and talented Lenora of the Mice. So if you're one o' dem Facebook trolls, crawl on over and belch something pithy!
Hello, friends of the Unknowable Abyss! I just wanted to let you know that besides WORKING ON A NEW THINGY, I have made my yearly adjustment to the front-page -- last year's posts may be found on the articles page, in case any of you want to review a wondrous year of Gerrymander games, cute girls denying God, partying at NASA, talking toilet progress-reports, and hideously obscene names for breakfast cereals. Please, peruse and enjoy!
Now, all Tabula Rasa like, I can fill this front-page with a whole new year's worth of mind-numbing ca-ca! Hurrah!
Extra -- A lot of those Pootube links are down; that's what I get for linking to that screwy outfit. Only one blasphemy girl left -- so sad.
01/06/08!
I realize that last year was a year of neglect -- ignoring this site like a divorced daddy dating coeds, I was. But NO MORE! I love my two fans, I really do! So, as my first concession, here is my initial travesty of the year 2000-fuckin-8: a very slightly spruced version of Grim Reaper 1 on crappy video!
OK, no one asked for it, but there it is anyway! In addition to this, I will be fulfilling the wishes of said fans this year. Honest! Despite all my previous empty promises, I realize the importance of your needs! My next cartoon will prove it!!! Yes!!!
No, really this time. Don't doubt me, fuckheads!!!
This site copyright Mike Houser, 2000-2008! Matzerathlives@hotmail.com (We were once like you, until we saw the Great Beast playing patty-cake with God)
