Why, hello there everybody! I trust that you are all well and good, and enjoying the fruits of this booming economy! Surely, each and every one of you is tipped back in your thickly padded leather chairs, safely ensconced in your spacious homes as you peruse the soft pastel sights and sounds of Internetivision! Yes? Of course! This gladdens me! I can feel your calm vibrations through these mysterious wires; it seeps into me like a saline drip! I mean that literally, of course.

To think that five thousand years ago, this planet America was a place of toil and unerotic pain!

Five thousand years: a long time to us, but to the Great Drooling Vagina Dentata, it is but a queef!

Yes, much has happened over the centuries - mostly things of a nightmarishly horrific nature: so outrageously, blatantly, penultimately catastrophic and unpleasant; so rancid, foetid and foul; so heart-wrenchingly cruel and Holocausty-squared, that it is truly a miracle we as a race managed to spring back into a state of being that, in comparison, is as a gentle hug by a buxom girl in a really really tight cashmere sweater, or auto-erotic asphixiation.

But of course you all know the history of things as well as I do. First, the homo-erections built Jericho. Then, some Jews knocked it down. Afterwards, the Roman Catholics strung up the man who would later become their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Gibson. And the bloodline of Jesus extended through the ages of the Turks and the Limeys, past the Time of Memphis Kings to the Age of Voluntary Democracy, in which a glorious battle took place against the misguided dogma of one called 'Cat Stevens'. This battle raged until the gas ran out, as documented in the Holy Artifact “The Road Warrior VHS”. Then came the time of The Anti-Christ, who ruled over all who were Left Behind, as revealed in the fragments of our other Holy VHS. A man named Kirk Cameron defied The Anti-Christ's rule, and it was shortly afterward that a heathen land called China blew the shit out of everything. Then that nation died of a cold.

All that remained on the planet were a few irradiated humans. They lived off the land, eating Fritos and drinking diet soda, building fragile dwellings out of paper-mache, because for some reason that was the only thing they remembered. Then a giant head came out of the sky and enslaved them, but it turned out this head was controlled by some rich people that lived in a bubble, and that its name ZARDOZ was actually taken from 'The wiZARD of OZ”, and annoyed by this plot-twist, the mutants broke through the bubble and killed all the rich hippies.

After that, history is a little hazy. We know that there was a massive pie fight at some point. And it was shortly after this that an ancient book, the only one to have completely survived the Great Blowing-Up, was passed amongst a tribe, who slowly translated it through the ancient means of 'Phonics'. And this book, once translated, was recognized as the Most Holy of paperbacks. It was a strict guide to morals and proper living; a guide for a sane humanity. It is what brought us together, out of the poopy-muck of a ravaged land into our present age of moral enlightenment, comfortable furniture, economic equality, universally available Heroin, and vicious interspecies sex.

Thank you, Naked Lunch. Thank you.

Watch out for the Mugwumps!

(End of transmission.)

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This site copyright Mike Houser, 2008! Matzerath@loservillex.com  (We were once like you, until we saw the Great Beast playing patty-cake with God)